| Brandi Dudley Texas |
| "I didn't realize why I was hurting so badly, why I was so depressed, because I was led to believe that I had done the right thing." |
At the age of 17, I became pregnant. Initially, I was very excited, but there was no one to share in my joy. My boyfriend didn't like the idea at all. I was told by my boyfriend and a relative of mine that having a baby without being married would be an embarrassment for me. These issues and fear pressured me into having an abortion. Because I was made to feel ashamed of my pregnancy, the only people I could talk to about it wanted it kept quiet and ended. I was told I could have an abortion and nobody would ever know. I was told over and over this was the best solution to the problem. I was told by people who I respected that having an abortion would allow me to move on and excel in life. That was a grievously wrong statement because instead of excelling, I began a self-sabotaging lifestyle. For years after my abortion, I drank heavily and was on several different kinds of antidepressants because of depression. I had many hurtful relationships and the ones that were good for me I cut off. I didn't believe I deserved happiness or love. During this time, I didn't realize why I was hurting so badly or why I was so depressed, because I was led to believe that I had done the right thing. Now I look back and know without question that what I had in me was not a “problem.” It was my child, my beloved child who I’ll never know this side of heaven. I’ll never hold, hug and kiss, or run my fingers through his hair. I’ll never be able to watch him grow or throw a baseball. He’ll never come running in the kitchen door and say, “Mom I love you,” while kissing me on the cheek. I sometimes wonder if my beloved child were here, how tall he would be. How handsome would he be? How intelligent he would be? What college would he be planning on going to? These are things I’ll never know or experience because I was deceived into believing that abortion was the solution to my “problem.” I sometimes wonder what the abortionist is doing now. I wonder if he knows how I have suffered. The only thing I remember about him is what he said to me 15 years ago as I lay on the table in pain from the procedure. I distinctly recall him saying to me, “Don’t worry it will be over shortly.” The truth is that it is now over 15 years later, and it’s still not over. For years I was silent about my abortion because I thought I was the only one hurt by it. I knew that other women had abortions. I just thought they were dealing with it better than I was. Since 2004, I have been talking about my abortion experience. Although nothing can ever bring my child back, I will continue to speak out about my abortion. It is my hope that other women will avoid the agonizing pain and the devastation of abortion that I and others have experienced. I wish I had known about the physical and psychological affects of abortion. I wish I had known about the growth of the baby. The way I look at it now is that any time I can shed light on the truth, I feel like I am taking back some ground that was stolen from me so long ago. Today I am pressing on, raising two beautiful children God has blessed me with. |
| Brandi testified about how her abortion hurt her before the Texas Legislature in 2009, urging them to support a bill that would have required an ultrasound before getting an abortion. |
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